April 26, 2010

Every time I hold my sons I get extreme butterflies in my stomach. For the past week I've sat amazed at the two little boys that have miraculously come into me and David's life in less than fifteen months.

On Thursday, April 15^th I began experiencing light contractions midday measuring around seven minutes apart. Since I was already at the hospital for a stress test (because the baby was overdue) they checked me and found no dilation. Later that evening the contractions became harder and closer together.

It's Tuesday. After a weekend of storms, the sun is brightening up the morning sky while I'm sitting in my home office staring out the window as I type my first few thoughts on this new day.

My expected due date was yesterday. David and I are both in disbelief that a little one is supposed to arrive any time now. After all, these past 40 weeks have been filled with traveling, celebrations, work and more work!

I'm officially full term and could give birth any day now. When you reach 40 weeks pregnant you can be anywhere between two weeks early or two weeks late. I haven't washed Christian's newborn clothes yet or packed a hospital bag. I am assuming the baby will come on time or late because I haven't received that ‘jolt of energy' most women get when they are about to give birth. As I walk around with a heavy belly while exhausted from a long work day I am still yearning for that nesting instinct so I can start getting things prepared.

MariaKang.com was created exactly five years ago. On March 22, 2005 I was a single woman, living in San Francisco and working as a fitness manager.  I was struggling with bouts of bulimia and was immersed with writing, literature and long, lone, reflective walks down ocean beach.  My mind was constantly plagued by deep life questions like, “Why am I here?”…”What is my purpose?” ….and “What can I do each day that makes my life worth living?”

At that point in my life's career I had already graduated with two degrees and a minor within four years at a top 50 national college. I successfully competed in various beauty and fitness contests held in L.A., San Francisco, Texas, Canada and the Philippines.

I feel like I can't stop crying these days. I am literally tired, stressed, burned out and…unhappy. Physically, my body is so exhausted from carrying the baby, being 9 months pregnant and running around everywhere. Emotionally, I feel alone, unloved and disconnected. Mentally, I'm tired of my cell phone, calculator, notebook and computer.

I probably shouldn't be up right now, but I am. I just finished responding to emails, sending out weekly updates and scheduling phone interviews for upcoming articles. For the past few days I've been feeling incredibly anxious as I am planning a Jog-a-thon Fundraiser on April 25^th. Yes – that is around two weeks after my expected due date.  I know it's crazy, but I've been known to do some crazy things in my days.

It's 1:47am in the morning. After staring at the wall for half an hour, I decided to get up and start working on paperwork for the next day. This of course, happened after I finished cleaning the house, vacuuming the rug, mopping the floors, scrubbing the stove, wiping the microwave and doing the laundry. I don't consider this being part of my ‘nesting' mode (A period pregnant women go through to prepare for her baby's arrival) – I consider tonight more of “I need to gain control of my space” because I know these next few weeks will be a crazy ride.

This is my last month pregnant.

I am really hard on myself…actually, incredibly hard. Here I am, 33 weeks pregnant, still trying to get 8 things done in one hour while carrying a teething baby and talking on the phone. On Sunday night I missed my nonprofit's Parent Transformation boot camp. While I was fatigued from working that afternoon, I still managed to put on my gear to get to Sac State that evening….until my fitness coordinator called and asked if I'm coming? Surprised, I tell her I'm running a little late, but then she tells me the class is close to ending.

I don't like being around my computer.

That's probably the first reason why I haven't been updating this site regularly. An underlying reason behind that demise is how busy I've been - it seems the last thing I want to do after a long working day running around exhausted with a 13 month old baby and a big belly is to get on my laptop knowing that Christian will start hanging on my leg whining for attention after a five minute period.

At the end of the day when I put him to sleep is usually my opportunity for some deep reflection but I often tend to close my eyes and wake up eight hours later wondering where the night went.   Right now it's Wednesday morning and as usual, I have my list of things to do written down on a journal beside me.

I have 10 more weeks left …I can't believe it! The baby loves to wake me up at night and move rapidly inside my belly. Christian often grabs my tummy and notices its large appearance. I feel excited, anxious and nervous about the birth of our son Nicholas…but my most overriding feeling is the need to settle all my projects before he arrives.

In a few hours I'm attending a Fitness without Border's board meeting where we will be discussing a large, upcoming jog-a-thon fundraiser in late April as well as current school programs.