April 1, 2009

I didn't want to work out this morning. As I layed in bed in the dark staring at Christian's peaceful face, the idea of putting on clothes and getting into a cold car was not appealing at all. Besides the physical task of moving, I was also unmotivated to exercise due to a melancholy energy that has surrounded me these past couple days.

After the gym I was eager to pick up our local paper to see my Mom-ME! Fitness club featured. It was a great article detailing the club's inception, member growth and exercise goals. This recognition will definitely spark our club awareness and increase participation. This past weekend I was also excited to launch a new website: www.mommyfitnessclub.com .  I want to feature fit mothers, offer post-partum fitness tips and provide a forum for mothers everywhere to discuss their success, challenges, questions and suggestions in getting back into shape.  Most of all, I would like mother's to start a fitness club in their area. In addition to these accomplishments, I was also thrilled to find my family's picture in the paper last week. It was great to get acknowledged by the editor and proudly present our family to the community.

While I've been blessed with many recent accomplishments, the overall somber feeling I've experienced these past couple days hasn't wavered. My inability to be content stems from a deep rooted 'flaw' in my personality. My personality has always been very goal-oriented. As soon as I hit a goal, I rejoice for a good twelve minutes, then soon ask myself, ‘what next?'

This feeling reminds me of the time I was driving home alone from L.A. after my last fitness competition. I was snacking on candy, drinking a mocha and feeling a sense of extreme achievement for placing Top 5 in two national contests.  After a period of time, I felt a strong feeling of sadness. For the last few months I was a machine: I trained every day, ate the same breakfast, lunch and dinner…I had laser-like focus on the end goal of competing successfully in Redondo Beach, CA. Now that the goal was completed, my mind was free to wander freely.

I started thinking about what my day would look like tomorrow. I thought about what I was supposed to eat for dinner. I thought about taking a vacation from my regular routine and making up for lost time with friends, happy hours and late night dancing.

I started ‘moving away from myself' and in the process of moving away, I began moving closer to 'chaos.' I wasn't experiencing internal daily satisfactions, I didn't daydream of upcoming tomorrows…I wasn't eyeing the scale for progress or measuring my jeans for more wiggle room. I was living in a complacent mind where my world was not dictated by desire.

Desire is the first emotion required when beginning a goal. However, in order to desire something, you must first absorb your psyche with a level of discontentment.  In essence, chaos is most often needed in order for you to eventually ‘settle' into your new sense of self.

These past few months I've desired so many things: I wanted to create a stable routine as a new mother…I wanted to successfully create a new mommy fitness group…I wanted to get local exposure, start a new site, and lose 35 pounds.

Now that I've accomplished my short term goals – I'm in lingo creating new goals. In the next few months I am going to start focusing on tightening my body more, planning our wedding, building the nonprofit and further establishing my professional resume.

Life is about chasing your dreams -

.....dreams that are dictated by your desire to defy discontentment.