June 12, 2008

It’s late Wednesday night and I finally mustered up some time to do some deep thinking. My hair is wet from a late shower, there are three little kids having a slumber party on my floor, and my eyelids are ready to drop any moment now.

We came back from a bachelorette/bachelor party in Vegas this weekend. It was a great opportunity to become closer to the bridal party and both my sisters. I feel so blessed to have 2 sisters I am very close to…most of our fondest moments include us sarcastically remarking  about each other’s lives, talking dramatically about our boyfriends and laughing hysterically at our personal stories on work, love and drama. A total of 4 kids make up our close-knit family, in which we all exist only one year apart.  I am the eldest girl and second child. This past weekend, we were celebrating the upcoming nuptials of the middle girl: Christine Kang, who also happens to be the mother of the kids sleeping below me right now.

While the weekend was fun – it was also a very tiring weekend for me as well. David and I arrived a couple days earlier so that we can do some things alone (since the guys and girls split once the party weekend began). As usual, we enjoyed our time spent together as we often love going on long drives and scenic hiking trails. However, while we often portray a couple who are compatible and loving…we also naturally argue and have disagreements. These past few weeks I’ve found myself arguing more consistently with him. It starts with a small comment, escalates to a loud discussion, switches to an angry argument and then ends with me emotionally closing down and walking away.  

In these past few weeks, I’ve become more aware of the opposing energies that make up the woman I am. Every time David and I argue, there is a significant sense of sadness in my soul. In the past, I thought it was because he wasn’t fulfilling something essential within me…and that made me lash out and impose on him what was reflected in me. In my worst moments, I felt resentful, angry and depressed….towards him.

But the more I targeted him, the more I loss power to create the change within myself. For it wasn’t David who needed to change, the first person who needed to change was me. When I talked late Saturday night with my sister in Vegas about my concerns, she encouraged me to take a good look in the mirror. While I had valid points, the one point I left out was the finger pointing back towards me.

Right now I am going through a huge humbling phase. There are parts of my world I can’t control right now…changes in my body I can’t contain. There are situations I’m impatient to see and through it all – the independent, fleeting side of my persona often desires to be alone and free when feeling emotionally, physically and spiritually enclosed. These fears and constant sense of anxiety overtakes my spirit sometimes and attacks those closest to me. The biggest attack however, is the shadow that darkened the light in my soul…in those moments of obscurity I feel lost, I sense sadness and I know nothing but pain.

 “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear...” 1 John 4:18

Whenever you feel anger, sadness or resentment –the person, place or thing you target isn’t the ‘cause’…those elements are all symbols of something greater reflected inside of you. In the last couple days I’ve really examined my fears and have more power and ability to change them because I’m not seeking outside.

I’m seeking within..and I’m allowing love to guide my actions …for where there is love, there is no fear. I like to believe I am a good person - but I must also acknowledge the underbelly of the existence I carry. I am not perfect...and most of all, I need to let go of fears and let God handle them. I can't control this world regardless of how much I try to build a shell of security. And I can't attack my surroundings because that doesn't fix the problem.

Today I am choosing to bury those fears. Today I am submitting my power and letting go...and letting God.

"Let Go. And Let God"....thank you to the person who gave me this phrase. Yes, it did come in handy.