February 27, 2008

Today I attended a series of nonprofit workshops in San Francisco, where I listened to different NGO’s case studies, best practices and organizational strategies. During breaks, being the little social butterfly that I am, I was able to network with other passionate people who were eager to follow their passions, utilize their talents and make a difference to their communities. 

The energy of like-minded, passionate, individuals was the best medicine I needed in my current environment….an environment where I was starting to feel spiritually sick.

For the last few weeks, my patience and tolerance levels have been negligible.  In fact, while I rarely get migraines, yesterday I experienced one of the worst headaches of my human existence. It was a combination of food eaten during the weekend, stress due to the upcoming commitments and anxiety from deadlines. The last thing I could imagine was driving to San Francisco for 1.5 hours when I could be writing a grant/article, answering emails, promoting Fitness Without Borders, updating my sites, training at the gym, taking a nap, walking my dog, or spending time with David.

Days prior to me leaving for the city, David and I were having minor altercations that resulted in a final frustrated feat of me crying. In that moment, I felt a need to release pent up pressure and a need to please the world around me. In that moment, David looked at me with almost shock and sensitivity – for he rarely sees me cry.

While I tried fruitlessly to hold back the tears, I couldn’t resist his hand on mines, reminding me that I wasn’t alone in this emotion.  Since he often experiences a strong, tenacious and independent Maria – the vulnerability I revealed exposed a much different woman… a woman who is also fragile, tired and dependent.

Right now, I am essentially creating a start-up company. Not only am I driving the nonprofit through my own finances and passion, but I am also independently working on my personal motivation to do more, be more, think more, act more and deliver…more.

I get tired…lonely…uninspired..
I get self critical…judgmental…and sensitive..

Most of all – in this self analysis, I rediscovered the human person that exists in this offensive shell I've created.

When we allow ourselves to experience opposing traits to our character we become alive.
When we passionately love – or feverishly hate.
When we independently live – or dependently exist.
When we contrast our human natures …we are made ‘whole’.

For this past week I was reminded that…

By letting go of our tears, we filled the empty spirit that needs to be vulnerable.

By associating with peers, we fill the lonely heart that needs to be connected.

By sharing our emotions, we fill the isolated existence that needs to be validated.

Let Go and Let God manifest himself through your humble heart. This has been my prayer all week.