February 19, 2007

There are moments in my life when life is so quiet, I can hear a pin drop in a loud and crowded room.

There are periods in my days when the atmosphere feels so slow, I can feel the wind move when someone walks away.

There are days like today, when the last thing I want to do is fall asleep, just so I can wake up the next day and live all over again…

Right now, I am sitting in my parent's house, on the floor, in a room, that used to belong to me.  While it's become an exercise/play room, I can still feel the spiritual energy that embraced these walls for over 10 years. 

As a happy, curious, ambitious and bright young girl, I recall being in this room .....staring at the same spot on the wall, hiding specifically in this small den closet, praying on this exact floor and feeling similar emotions I'm engaged in right now.

I am undergoing a subtle yet significant personal change.

Motivations that once prompted action and reactions in me - are no longer causing me to move. Desire for personal success, professional ambition and physical aesthetic is no longer inspired by my current drives. Each day I feel I am trying to focus on the 'true' intentions behind every action stimulated by a desire to 'want' versus a covet to 'need' past remnants and rewards of self validation.

While many people are 'shocked' when I reveal that I experience bouts of 'acute depressions' - they are not surprised that the emotions arise from thoughts so deep, most would be scared to entertain them.

I think about life, about death and about destiny all the time…I think about hate, sadness, war, hunger, love, passion and purpose nonstop throughout my young and present existence…

I ask "why" continuously….as if someone could ever give a single, beautiful answer...

Life is continuously changing - it moves in the shape of all the sacred geometries that has built our philosophies, our buildings and our cultures….

Life is an experience - it can only be made 'to be' with curiosity, questions, experimentations and answers…

Life is love - it is measured through light, a light that gives birth to all things in this world….

My life is experiencing a loving revolution of change right now. These changes are chosen - these experiences are new - and this love stems from new courage inside of me to seek these uncertain, lofty ambitions.

As I close the end of this last journal - and open the new adventure that awaits in this next minute I want to say a prayer to all of you:

To find beautiful answers in each act of service... in every kind gesture... and in all people whom you inspire.

Those loving acts are the only answers, which have provided light to every dark question in my pensive and passionate lifetime.

Journal Pictures: February 19, 2007


Thank you Jeff for the roses! I wore that head band all day! People couldn't avoid staring at it during meetings!! I figure, 'might as well laugh at yourself' right??

I made super delicious Vegan Cookies and Chocolate Brownie cupcakes for all the people I love and adore!

I was so surprised my cousin Aileen's baby boy, Noah, at my grandparents home Thursday night!

I should make a shirt that says: "I LOVE BRUCE AT MAX MUSCLE ON ARDEN WAY" I will forever be his brand ambassador!

l can't believe Regina's getting married!! On Saturday with her and her fiancee, Scott. Giving him a big 'welcome to regina's funny friends' group hug!

Celebrating Chinese New Year at a Chinese Restaurant with my Lola and Uncle Colin! According to Chinese astrology, I am a MONKEY. Monkey' s are innovative, versatile, independent and humorous...however, they can also be manipulative, opinionated and capricious. Sounds like me! ??