I had a bad dream last night.

My teeth were becoming loose and began falling out one by one. It was a gross reminder of the feelings I had when I was losing my baby teeth as a child. I felt deep emotions of pain, sadness, but most of all…loss. As much as I clenched my teeth, there was no escaping the inevitable ending to my dream – a dream that has reoccurred every 2-3 months of my life since I was six years old.

Last week I hosted my nonprofit's fitness summer camp for three days. The kids choreographed and filmed a workout DVD, created fitness calendars and enjoyed special guests who spoke about fitness and nutrition. While I was nervous about executing my first camp, I knew that this experience would be a memorable moment for all the kids involved. It has been an incredibly rewarding year working with students who have built friendships, transformed their bodies and redefined what health means to them. I feel so grateful to be able to spread my passion and influence children with an abundance amount of resources.

I saw my childhood best friend this past weekend. In Elementary school, Claire and I slept at each other's houses, exchanged “best friend” necklaces and shared life milestones together.  When Junior High arrived we went to a ‘year-around' school that had four different tracks. Since I was on A track and she was on C track, we hardly saw each other. When high school turned the corner, we had become nearly strangers to each other.

I feel terrible for not updating this site on a regular basis. After all, I'm a very “routine-type-of person” and I hate it when I miss a church mass, a workout, a deadline or a meal.  When things start to spiral out of control I start to notice all things imperfect…

When I drive I get irritated by water spots on my car, when my gas tank is close to empty or when there are crumbs in the back seat. As I'm sitting at my desk, I'm getting annoyed looking at the stack of papers to my left, the various pens on my right and the little space I have available to type and place my phone and water bottle.  

Last week  I was with Christian and Nicholas for over a week without David as he was out of town.

I know how it feels to want to cry from exhaustion now. There I was: lying in bed with one son on my right, the other squirming on my left and praying that neither would make any noise as to wake the other. After spending the last half hour holding back wearisome tears from a day of spending the entire day with the boys by myself, I can finally spend just a bit of time for me…to read emails…to write this journal…and to get started on a couple writing deadlines.

Being a mother is more than patty-cake and butterfly kisses. For me, it means getting up twice a night to feed Nicholas, cooking Christian's daily meals, changing ten diapers throughout the day, bathing, singing and lugging both boys in my arms while running errands.

I auditioned for Oprah's new network this past weekend in L.A. I thought going down south would be a great opportunity to get out of Sacramento, go to the beach and experience something that made me nervous, anxious and embarrassed.  On Saturday morning, one of my best guy friends, Dave Slagle, picked me up from my hotel at 5:00am to drive to Orange County and stand in a long line full of Talk Show hopefuls. It was definitely an experience standing in line while meeting new, interesting and ‘unique' people.

After just a few hours, I was called in to audition with a group of twelve other people.

I don't feel fulfilled.

I feel guilty even uttering those words.

I have two adorable boys, a successful business, a running nonprofit and a loving family…and yet I go to sleep each night feeling exhausted, sometimes bored, but most of all….unfulfilled. In the last two years, I feel like a tornado has swept through my life and left me with successful projects, beautiful children, and a life I can't recognize anymore.

I used to spontaneously travel with my diary in tow…writing philosophies, dreams and discoveries when I visited new places and met new people.

It's a rainy day in Sacramento – a perfect, gloomy day to match the solemn mood I am in.

A resident passed away in one of my care homes. While death is an event you become accustomed to, it's not an event that gets emotionally easier. When I heard the imminent news of this particular woman, I cried for ten minutes in my parked car. She was a wonderful lady.

I haven't been updating lately for the obvious reasons…

I have two kids, three jobs and lots of deadlines. Besides the obvious, I'm not updating for other reasons…

I'm tired of complaining.

I'm tired of going through my list of things I need to do…have to do...and want to do.  I don't want to write about thinking positively, taking action or understanding life's cycles. I don't want to be inspirational or motivational.

May 5, 2010

I miss being in the hospital.

It's true. Even when I gave birth the first go-around, I always became nostalgic of the first feelings of giving birth and being in a world where your entire concentration is based around your new baby and your recovery. Because when you leave…it's back to reality.

And my reality is demanding.