My overall goal was to run 10 miles total.  While
this did not include the 3 miles a ran on Sunday morning, I
contemplated heavily on considering that run in my total output several
times throughout the week. When Thursday hit, I still had not completed
one mile.

As I sat lazily on the couch at around 8pm Thursday night, David asked me what I wanted to eat for dinner. In a sulky voice, I said, “nothing.”  After
he inquired what was wrong, I admitted I had been so busy that entire
week and as a result, failed to complete my running goals. So he asked
if I wanted to go running at that moment…I said no.

I subscribe to a few magazines including Psychology Today, Oxygen, Entrepreneur and Time. This past weekend I read a great magazine article on the topic of Failure.  This article detailed how experiencing failure is necessary in order to build the resilience, vigilance and wisdom required in any person's complex life journey. Setbacks exist to teach us,
not prevent us from reaching our goal. The sooner and faster we begin
failing, the more precocious we become and therefore achieve more self
awareness.

Failure has played a large part in my life for I didn't always get A's or win every contest.  In
elementary school, I received an ‘honorable mention' for my first
poetry contest submission. I underwent phases in my high school years
when I became depressed and felt rejected. I wasn't always positive or
prepared…I didn't always ‘get the guy'. Yet regardless of my outcomes, I learned…I overcame…and most of all, I evolved into a wiser person.

While we can learn from losing, I also feel we can equally learn from winning. From a young age I began competing for scholastic achievements.

One of my readers, Tiffani, referred me to a wonderful blog about a woman, Stephanie Nielson, who has been blogging about family, life and spirituality for many years.  Recently,
she and her husband almost died in a fatal plane crash that left her
with burns throughout much of her face and most of her body. She exists
today in Utah with her four children and her husband, who she lovingly
refers to as Mr. Nielson.

It
was heart wrenching to read about her struggles with her failing self
image and post-crash depression. It was also interesting to read of
someone's life online realizing that I resonate with her open vulnerability and large online following. It's difficult going through hard life experiences and yet continue writing with an open, candid and truthful heart.  

Since beginning this website in March 2005, I recovered from an eating disorder, dated a few good men, traveled to Hawaii, India, Thailand, Malaysia and New Zealand,  moved from San Francisco to Sacramento, quit my corporate job, founded a nonprofit, became a freelance writer, got engaged and gave birth to my first son. In those moments of transition, it was definitely hard to write…and the
more I thought of the thousands of people who read this site, the more
I wanted to hold back – sometimes give up writing altogether.

But I didn't quit.

I kept writing.

And
as I continue to write today I am captivated by the philosophical
depthness behind what makes us all intrigued by those who inspire us.
Reading Stephanie's blog made me recall on one of my deepest fears as a human being  - the idea of being loved…even when you feel you have nothing to offer in return.

While
I've had many men love me in my lifetime, I was never certain that
they'd still love me if my face burned off or if my legs became
paralyzed. Loving someone unconditionally requires an extreme
level of acceptance, an immense amount of patience and unending supply
of understanding.  Naturally, when we think of
our life partner we hope they present themselves in the best package in
the initial meeting.

I've been in ‘operation' mode lately.
In these last few weeks I've been focusing on starting the mommy club,
getting back to pre-baby shape, raising my newborn and sustaining all
my work projects. While I've achieved success in all areas, I still
find myself… 

unsatisfied. 

This feeling isn't new.
It's actually an irritating and frustrating constant fixture of my
personality since childhood. As a young girl I loved creating things
like poems, books, school projects and baked goods….but as soon as my
poem received an award, or my project was given an A, I was happy for a
good twelve minutes but was soon looking for a new endeavor to plan,
set out and accomplish. 

David says I'm a builder, not an operator. 

I don't enjoy the novelty of living life casually day-to-day.
While I wash dishes, clean laundry, organize and cook on a daily basis,
I always enjoy delving into projects that feed my mind, spirit and
ambitions. Right now I feel the intense need to find new outlets and
new horizons…essentially: I need to build. 

This past week I was really happy to see our exercise layout in Max magazine. 
I was also ecstatic to receive overwhelming amounts of compliments from
everyone, everywhere, regarding my level of fitness and physical
accomplishment since giving birth 4 months ago. 

While I could focus on a greater goal like getting in better shape or score a bigger modeling moment…. 

It's hard right now.

My discontent is symbolized by a notebook I own with the words "create" on the cover.
I write six goals to complete every day. Whenever I'm bored I doodle
images, words, timelines and quotes.

When I was in sixth grade, our class participated in an aerobics routine to the music, “Can't Touch This” by MC Hammer.  Our classmate, Jason, had a mother who volunteered as our aerobics instructor for a period of 4 months.
From that moment, I relished every opportunity our class had to
‘workout'. I fondly remember exercising in the front row with a
one-piece body suit, spandex and a head band. At only 11 years old, I
thoroughly enjoyed learning about coordination, flexibility and
exercise.

If
I had the opportunity to meet Jason's mom again, I would tell her what
an influence she's made in my life...how each time I train at my dance
class is a ripple effect from the first time I learned about aerobic
exercise through her.

This past week Fitness without Borders has attended a couple great events for kids.
At our booth, we host push up, hula hoop and jumping rope contests. The
kids not only learn how to perform proper exercises, but they also
learn how to enjoy exercise in a fun, yet competitive environment.  My
greatest hope, is that one day they too will remember the small but
significant moment when they were motivated to workout by a group of
adults who encouraged and educated them.

We will never know the influence we make in the lives of others.

Our internal energy produces a positive and negative effect in everything we tell, touch and type. Inside each one of our bodies exist a timeless soul…a soul that dictates the physical actions we perform every day.  Every act we perform, every object we create, is manifested from the source found within.

The more you recognize the giant within you, the more you will influence the world around you.  I have discovered my giant and my greatness in the act of serving others.

The act of service is an act that promotes love, encourages growth and elevates positive energy.
When you are able to service without hope of reciprocation….you are
experiencing an abundant force that will not only define your spirit
but eventually also determine your destiny.  

When
I was 11 years old, I learned more about myself through the service of
a student's mother. And Today....I've taken her gift and am now passing
it on.

Journal Pictures: April 20, 2009

At a Health Fair for kids on Saturday morning.

April 13, 2009

Right now, I'm sitting
at David's mother's home in Mississippi and am about to finish packing our belongings from a week stay
here.  It's always great to not only see his mother and visit with local
friends, but also most importantly, we anticipate coming here to visit his
kids. Unfortunately, while this is David's holiday, he wasn't able to be with
them because their mother decided to book a trip at the same time we were
arriving into town.   

I've never experienced
a horrible break up, much less, a break up involving children. All I can truly testify, is that despite what developed,
beautiful children came out of that period...and they mean everything to him.

When I first met David
I was naturally shunned by the fact he had an ex-wife.  While he was only
30, he admitted to making poor decisions when he was only 20 years old,
marrying someone after less than a couple months of courtship.  As I know him to be today, David is a
man who acts responsibly, possesses extreme patience yet still has an
adamant stubborn side to his persona.  His tenaciousness would serve
him both positively and negatively throughout his life. In his early
twenties, he was a highly decorated Marine who wanted also to stubbornly
achieve his mission of sustaining his family despite the dishonesty and lack of
devotion inside his marriage. After his traumatic brain injury, it was evident
that in order to survive he would have to leave an environment that promoted
nothing but problems and pain.

In his pain, David
used his life experience, his brain injury and his new understanding of ‘what
love truly is'…and began writing. The greatest artists have created their most
talented works during their deepest depressions. It is in being trapped by
darkness when one must internally manifest the greatest light, in order to save
oneself from becoming a piece of that shadow.

I met David through his writings.

I was enthralled by
his passion, mesmerized by his thoughts and enlightened by his idea of what
true love meant.